Talking truth about "self-improvement" as it relates to health, overall wellness and expressing the truest version of you. This is Marta Mrotek with Something Honest…..

Sometimes they say that we’re only as sick as our secrets. And even though they really might not make you physically sick, there’s a mental burden there and a kind of emotional sickness that can only be lifted when those secrets are exposed. And that can be especially difficult when we’ve got secrets that we’re keeping, even from ourselves. There really is a certain kind of darkness that seeps into our lives when we’re not actively engaged in creating light.  And if we can shine that light into those dark corners of our lives those secrets lose their power.

Today we are going to start talking about Integrity. If you haven’t listened to the Courage Episodes yet they are helpful for understanding what we’re about here. Last week we were focused on taking an inventory and how that relates to patterns of the past and this week we’ll take an even deeper look at what we found and how to apply it in a meaningful way.

We’ve got six Talking Points and all of them point to the value of confession and eventually, maybe a new understanding of absolution.

Which that takes us straight to our first Talking Point…

TALKING POINT 1: CONFESSION

You don’t have to go into a confessional booth to make an admission of what you’ve done wrong. You don’t have to have to be in a church and you don’t necessarily have to have a priest involved to confess what needs changing. But if that’s something that is already part of your spiritual or religious practice I do believe that it holds real value when it’s done with pure intentions.

My first real experience with that kind of thing was when I was in high school.  I went on a retreat I guess to help me handle all the stuff that was happening. I remember not really wanting to go and thinking that it was probably a waste of time. But it did turn out to be good for me, and that was my first real experience with what you might call formal confession. That isn’t really something that Lutherans do on a regular basis, and that’s how I was raised, so even though it wasn’t entirely new to me, sitting in a confessional wasn’t something that I was entirely comfortable with either. I felt a little self-conscious, even though I knew my secrets were probably safe there and I was pretty sure I didn’t have anything to tell that would be all that shocking.  I did end up kind of spilling my guts and told him a whole bunch of stuff that I might not even end up telling you, but the one thing that I didn’t talk about that night was my mom. I told him a whole bunch of what I thought were gory secrets because I thought a really meaningful confession, one that wasn’t just going through the motions, was probably looking for lying, stealing, drinking, drugs, sex and killing. And if you’re thinking that none of that applies to you, keep looking into yogic philosophy and you’ll probably find out that, somehow all of them, even if they’re extremely subtle variations, most of those things that we judge other people for can apply to all of us at least in some small way. But most of what I talked about wasn’t entirely subtle, I mean I didn’t have a problem with drugs or alcohol or any big thing that you might be able to see on the outside, but I did have problems and I did have some secrets, so, I had enough to tell. But even though the example of the grocery store incident that I used in Talking Points Episode for Courage was something that had just happened I never even thought about admitting that to him. I don’t know if I was even fully aware of the amount of guilt that I was carrying, or just how much I wished that I could take it back or how it was already affecting my thoughts and my emotions and way I felt about myself and my relationships with other people.

The point is that it was one of those secrets that we can keep, almost, even from ourselves. Something that I didn’t want to think about even though it was there in the back of my mind, at least every time I looked into my mom’s face. It was a moment in time that I was very carefully burying whenever it came up. And instead of really admitting it or learning from it I was just reliving the pain and the shame part and then pushing it down even further, over and over again.

Maybe the work that we did with finding the Courage for self-study brought up something like that for you. If it did, stay with me, we didn’t bring it up just to relive it and start burying it again.

TALKING POINT 2: ABSOLUTION

There is real value in making a factual statement of what we’ve done to another person. I think it’s pretty normal for us to want to cover it up and hide it but that almost always just makes it even harder to carry. In 12 step programs they say that we “Admitted to God, ourselves and other person the exact nature of our wrongs.” Even if your belief in a Higher Power is still growing, there’s a lot of relief that comes from just saying the raw truth out loud. So, it makes a lot of sense to find a neutral person, a mentor, maybe a trusted friend, a sponsor or maybe a even priest to listen to your inventory but, I don’t really believe that person can forgive you. That’s just me, in my view, confession doesn’t always come with a pardon. I mean I do believe there’s a sense of relief in the act of confession because it takes away the power of the secret but forgiveness is another thing altogether. And best-case scenario you eventually get that from the person that you’ve done wrong but even if you do, and especially if you don’t, you still have to forgive you. It wasn’t all that hard for me to imagine that my mother would be able to forgive me. I knew she would. The real problem was that I couldn’t forgive myself. And it wasn’t even so much about what I said as it was about destroying that last moment of connection that we could have had and the chance that maybe that was her last memory of me.

Fast forward a whole bunch of years and I was sitting there telling my sponsor what I knew I’d never be able to say to my mom. And I’ve gotta tell you I love her so much for not just saying something lame about how it’s okay or so long ago or so easy to understand why… She told me I needed to go make peace with it, and that I was the only one who could do that, and she was right.

I know to some of you it might not even seem like such a horrible thing but once I realized how much it affected every other relationship in my life I knew that I had to find a way to let it go.

Absolution is the formal release from guilt. And for us that means that you have to let yourself off the hook. You have to  let go of your guilt to really start moving in the right direction with the right kind of energy. I know for some people this relates to a very specific religious tradition and practice but if that’s not you, if that’s not something that resonates with you don’t give up on this. You don’t necessarily have to follow a specific belief system to find absolution and a sense of purification.

TALKING POINT 3: PURIFICATION AND CLARITY

I hope none of the Catholics out there are uncomfortable with any of my references here but I think they apply so well and I really do love the underlying purpose behind spiritual traditions. Even if the idea of formal confession and absolution are totally unfamiliar to you, I hope you can at least be open to why this kind of thing works for so many people. I find it, beautiful and at least to me pretty obvious, that the original idea, I think, behind penance, or atonement, or whatever you want to call the advice for how to go make something right, is often to go and meditate. I think that’s really the point of the rosary, asking you to go get quiet, go plug into your Energetic Source, and tap into something that feels accepting and forgiving no matter what you’ve done.

And it’s pretty fascinating that you see similar advice in other traditions too, granted in different forms, but sometimes we push that kind of thing away and since I started this podcast I have had SO many people come to me struggling with idea of religion and especially those who have been hurt by organized religion, we might talk about that more another time but I try not to talk about it because I don’t want that to keep anyone from exploring this and specifically the spiritual side of this… And whether that’s because you have defined religious beliefs or none at all I can see how that happen. It’s a tough subject. Some people are even turned off by the term Higher Power. Some people don’t want to hear me talk about it at all unless I’m talking about in relationship with a specific deity. So all I can ask is that you stay open to the Energy part and the idea that there is something inside you that points to the need for connection and just to know that I don’t care what you call it. I just want you to stick with me and see if you feel for your own understanding of it. That’s all I’m asking.

We’ll work on the idea of using mediation for purification and clarification in the practice episode. There are lots of ways that we can do this without attaching specific religious traditions or taking away from the traditions that you already hold. And you can actually start looking at it in a really practical way by thinking about the process for purifying water or metal. There’s usually some fire involved and that’s sort of what we did with the Courage Episodes. We took a look the part we’ve played in our resentments and some of the harms the we’ve caused and maybe turned up the heat a little bit on some of those emotions that have been coming up from the past. No doubt about it there is some work involved, it’s not effortless. Think about the purification of water. In it’s simplest form, I mean like Naked and Afraid style, all that boiling. And then if you want clarity, the clarification process has to include actually removing all the sediment and particles and junk until the water’s really clean and you know it’s pure because you’ve done all the work and you can see it, now it’s actually clear.

If you know anything about how metal is refined, I’ve seen it, I live with a guy who does it for fun! There’s a whole lot of fire, an incredible amount of heat and stirring things up, letting impurities float to the surface and skimming off whatever is making the substance weaker… and it doesn’t happen all at once, it takes some effort. And if you want to make something out of it when you’re done, you’ll have a piece of metal that won’t break, it’ll be flexible and powerful.. and you might have to hammer at it for a while before it takes shape, but that’ll just make it even stronger. That sounds an awful lot like what we’re doing here doesn’t it? The point is that when you’re done the integrity of that metal is greatly improved, I mean it’s way stronger, and that’s because all the garbage is gone and all that’s left is the really good stuff. And that’s what we want, that’s what we’re working on.

We’re gonna take a quick break here, I’ll be back in two minutes or less with more talking points for Integrity and our challenge question for this week in just a moment.

We’re back and talking about Integrity with Talking Point number four…

TALKING POINT 4: ALIGNMENT

This is where my metal analogy starts to fall apart a little bit, but only because I don’t know all that much about why the  particles and molecules act the way they do. But I do know that once all that bad stuff is out of the way the grains of metal gets tighter, everything lines up and gets closer together and that makes the end product not just stronger but much more efficient and capable when it comes to absorbing shock and moving energy.

This relates very closely to what we mean when we talk about alignment in physical exercise and definitely when we’re talking about the physical aspects of yoga. Hopefully you’re starting to get the idea that yoga really isn’t so much about the physical stuff. This is one of those few places in the Sutras where Patanjali refers to God, telling us that we need to practice something called Bramacharya which is translated in a few different ways. Most frequently we hear it in reference to celibacy, and I know somebody out there is rolling their eyes at that because it certainly doesn’t apply to everyone but more commonly it has to do with the disciplined use of energy and in particular sexual energy and that one makes a lot of sense to me. I mean if you’ve ever been in a committed sexual relationship that’s really is based on love it can be a great example of merging energy and finding alignment with another person in a way that actually feels spiritual. Of course, the exact opposite is also true and sex can also be an example of how that energy can be abused. Most of all, in my humble opinion, I think the main point comes from the literal translation which is simply to follow or move your conduct into alignment with whatever you call God.

For me the whole thing is ultimately about moving energy efficiently and it really all comes down to lining everything up with that Source of Positive Energy. Once you’ve got that and you’re feeling that connection on a regular basis your ability to respond in even the most challenging circumstances improves dramatically.

TALKING POINT 5: RESPONSIBILITY

So we’re gonna go back to my story one more time and how I finally managed to get rid of all that guilt. It took a long time for me to fully understand my part in that whole thing. I thought being sorry was the only role left for me to play. The guilt that I carried from that event was a driving force in my life for a long time. And I knew it wasn’t healthy but I couldn’t think of any other way to respond or anywhere else to put the blame so it just seemed right to run around trying make up for it somehow by trying to fix other people’s stuff and just refusing to allow myself any amount of happiness unless everybody in my tight little circle was happy too. What an impossible expectation.

When my mom finally died she had been in the fetal position for years and I honestly believe her heart just forgot how to keep beating. Her brain was sent to St. Louis University to be studied as one of the longest living Alzheimer’s patients at that time and the report said that it was extremely atrophied and shrunken. I still have that report in my file cabinet. I save it, not only as a medical history for my children and their children, but as a reminder to me that she hadn’t been thinking about that rotten day on the sidewalk for a very long time. And that I was the only person left who could forgive me.

This is all about knowing what’s yours to change. And at least for me, in that situation, there were just a whole bunch of things that I couldn’t do anything about. Sometimes it really does seem like there’s no way to make it right, especially if the person you hurt is gone or would be hurt even more by your confession. How do you make peace with that? I didn’t want to bury the guilt again and working the Principle of Integrity gave me a chance to do something else with it. It gave me a choice and way to take responsibility, not just for what I did but for what I was going to do next, to respond in a different way this time. So somehow, I decided to forgive myself.

You can decide to do that too. It sounded impossible to me at first but it can be done. You might have to work on increasing your alignment with that positive energy a little bit, but in time your ability to respond will improve. You’ll be able to choose your response. And it feels good to be responsible. It feels good to know what’s yours to change and what’s not. And it’s a huge relief if you can forgive yourself and a blessing if can learn something about yourself along the way. And that leads to talking point #6, choosing the next right thing.

TALKING POINT 6: CHOOSING THE NEXT RIGHT THING

If you want another way to practice getting into the present moment this is it, this is something that you can use every single day. Now that you’ve, hopefully, decided to take responsibility for what happens next you want to take a second to think about what that means. For me it meant that I wasn’t doing anybody any good and I wasn’t able to respond very well with my head in the past feeling guilty or in the future being afraid. The next right thing takes away everything but this, not forever, but we’re not talking about forever, we’re talking about right now. Again, that doesn’t mean that you can’t ever think about the past or make plans for the future, just that the only thing you can actually change is what’s happening right now. It turns time into your friend and makes it so much easier to see things clearly when you don’t have to have it all figured out. You’re just trying to figure this one thing out and do something that starts moving you in the right direction. Sometimes it’s something big that keeps coming up and you just know in your bones that now is the time to put your energy and your focus on making something right. Maybe that’s making something right with someone else but maybe it’s making something right with you. It could be time to make something new or maybe just to do something small to take care of yourself or something huge like forgive yourself and let something go.

That’s just one of the reason’s why I’m careful about the war stories I tell. There’s a big difference between confession, sharing and storytelling, it’s good to make sure we know which one we’re doing. And I’m not saying that storytelling is a bad thing but there’s a fine line between sharing what actually might be useful for explaining how we got here and reaffirming the pain of the past. And I mean that can be a very fine line. I hope I haven’t crossed it here and that’s probably the last real War Story that I’m going to tell about my mom but maybe you understand why I did... If you’ve listened to the War Stories Bonus Episode I talk about the why a little bit. I think there can be great value in sharing what we’ve been through, but we do still need to be mindful about what we share, and how, and why... Is there a story that you keep telling that really doesn’t serve any purpose other than taking you back to a dark place? Or maybe something that somehow makes you feel justified in your current misplaced energy or unhealthy behavior? If there’s anything in there that creates more excuses, or honestly just something that’s seeking some kind of pity, or attention, or validation it’s probably growing the wrong kind of energy… And it really might even be something that’s keeping you from laying down that burden and finally being able to heal.

If it makes sense that Integrity is about moving into alignment with your Highest Truth and Purpose then confession is just a tool that we’re using so we can draw a nice straight line and see what needs to be done. We have to be careful that we never turn that tool into a weapon that we use against ourselves or anyone else when it comes to telling stories. That only leads to more guilt and more shame and that will almost certainly skew your judgement and affect your ability to choose the next right thing.  

I try to tell my stories when I feel like they’re appropriate and I try to do it in a way that doesn’t affirm more of what I don’t want in my life. And when it comes to that particular story what I feel is still emotional but these days it mostly just reminds me that I loved my mom and I still miss her. I don’t think those feelings will ever disappear. But I do know, for sure, that it was way past time for me to set down my guilt. And believe me that’s a cross I still try to pick up again every now and then and I have to remind myself that I don’t have to feel guilty about that anymore. It’s not my responsibility to carry that.

I think a lot of us confuse responsibility and guilt. They’re not the same thing. You can take responsibility and confess what you’ve done. And you might even be able to find forgiveness from the person that you did it to and that’s a wonderful thing. But with or without someone else’s forgiveness, eventually you’ll have to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt. Nothing good will come from carrying it. And laying it down increases your ability to respond and choose wisely for what needs to be done and for what happens next.

The answers to the “what next” question are endless. They’re always changing right along with every moment and if you’re all lined up with the right kind of energy there’s no way to get it wrong.

So let’s take one more look at the talking points:

·      Confession really is good for exposing our secrets.

·      Absolution is what’s really good for the soul.  

·      The purification that comes from that process always makes us stronger.

·      It brings us into even better alignment with an energetic source.

·      And improves our ability to respond when old patterns surface.

·      Choosing the next right thing gets so much easier when we finally lay down the burdens of guilt and shame.

So now it’s time for this week’s challenge question and how to play.

CHALLENGE QUESTION

You might even be able to guess what it is, “How do you know the next right thing?” Think about how integrity and responsibility play a part in that. Maybe think about some of those really small things that you might be able to do in this moment to make start making a change for the better. Consider some of those big things that make you stronger, like working on energetic connections, or making a confession or forgiving yourself. Or just taking responsibility for your feelings and the part that you’ve played in holding on to resentment or guilt or shame? You don’t have to answer just yet, but I do want you to start paying attention to anything that floats to the surface and we’ll come back to this again tomorrow. If you’re playing along on social media we’re using the hashtags #somethinghonest and #integritychallenge this week.

Make sure you’re all set up to get notifications, next up, you’ll want to look for the Integrity Study Journal Episode for more about why and how to practice getting into alignment. Don’t forget to come back for all THREE Integrity episodes to start moving the right kind of energy in the right direction.

Thanks so much for listening. We really would love to hear your reaction to everything that we talked about today so check the links in the description for more details on how and where to play. Go to wellnessmeetings.com for show notes or to find out more about the Wellness Meetings Method….. Something Honest is a Wellness Meetings production with original music composed and produced by James Mrotek at Mrotek Media.

This is Marta Mrotek sending out all the love and gratitude. Until next time, let’s get to work on being well.