Talking truth about "self-improvement" as it relates to health, overall wellness and expressing the truest version of you. This is Marta Mrotek with Something Honest…..

When I say things like, “let it go, or “you choose your thoughts,” or “do it now” the last thing I want is to in any way dismiss or minimize whatever you’re going through. Grief, trauma and depression can’t be swept aside or explained away. Addictions, dependencies and disorders of all kinds are not by choice, and all mental health issues are personal and complex. But I do still believe there are things that we can do to help ourselves.. and I really do believe now is the time.

Hey Everybody, this is Marta and we’re getting ready for the Surrender Challenge with some of the benefits of an acceptance ritual, some information about when and why to practice and a simple exercise for your study journal. If you haven’t listened to the Surrender Talking Points Episode yet you might want to go back for an introduction and a little bit about my experience with learning to let go. If you’re ready to get going be sure to stick around until the end for my answer to our challenge question for this week and some ideas for how you can answer it too.

We’ll start with a few indications, or feelings that point to when and why we might need to work on letting go and then we’ll talk briefly about the benefits and a short journaling exercise to go deeper.

Let’s look at some of the emotions that might indicate an immediate need for an acceptance ritual so that you can use those feelings as reminders to start changing your state. Some of the most common indications, or feelings, that come up include…

Indications for Acceptance Practice:

Grief, Anxiety and Depression. We’ve already talked about how the physical pointers for different emotions can vary from person to person. For some people energy levels can be very low when emotions that relate to grief or depression are active and sometimes people even notice a feeling of physical heaviness. But in some cases, depending on the situation and the person, symptoms of anxiety are more obvious and displayed through nervous energy or what we sometimes call excessive or misplaced energy, that comes primarily from an overwhelming sense of worry, and leads to an entirely different form of heaviness and exhaustion. Paying attention to the emotions and thoughts that stand out most is a good way to start pinpointing what needs to be released. Valuable information can be found in any area that relates to physical loss or the fear of losing control. Grief in particular comes in different forms. Mourning the loss of loved one is what comes to mind most often but sometimes we grieve lost relationships, lost opportunities and even periods of time. We have a very good example right now in the middle of a pandemic, where so many people are longing for a return to some sense of normalcy. And anxiety and depression are two common responses to that feeling of having lost something that we care about.

Two more often highly charged emotions to explore when it comes to Surrender are Guilt and Shame. We talked just a little bit about guilt and how it played a part in my own grieving process in Talking Points Episode but we didn’t really touch on how it can show up in other areas of life or the relationship between guilt and shame.. It might seem like they’re the same thing at first but for most of us there is a difference. You can actually feel guilty about something without any shame and for most of us that’s not a bad thing. Being able to admit where you’ve gone wrong is a good thing and sometimes it’s just the right kind of motivation to start making things right. But when it comes to shame there may or may not be something specific that you’ve done wrong because it can come from so many different sources. I think the worst thing about shame is the way it separates us from any of the solutions or positive energy that we need to start making a change for the better. It colors our interactions with other people and the way we feel about ourselves in so many ways. Shame can come with a lot of sadness but it can also lead to resentment and in some cases anger when we feel like our short comings have been exposed and we’re looking for someone else to blame to ease the pain. That feeling of shame seems to stand out most when we’re wrapped up in codependency and our feelings of happiness or self-worth are overly connected to the opinions of others. There are times though when shame is more subtle, and we may not even know that it’s at play until we look at the ways that we may have been harmed by others and our reasons for holding onto painful emotions from past events. Those more subtle symptoms of over connection lead to taking a closer look at blame and resentment.

Blame and Resentment. Here we are again with two emotions that seem almost like the same thing so we’ll lump them together here for just a moment before I point out the difference. For me the weirdest thing about this feeling is that it’s not always directed toward a person. In my experience I have often found myself holding a grudge against life itself, blaming and resenting the circumstances or situations that led to the really painful moments. Which is absolutely crazy because when you’re talking about something that already happened, and especially things that have always been completely outside of control, and there’s no one to blame, you’re only option for peace is to let it go. And yet, at least for me, I was hanging on to my resentments and feeding them on a regular basis by comparing my life to someone who seemed to have it so much better or some imaginary version of my life where those events never took place. And if, like me you’re blaming whatever you call God you’re actually cutting yourself off from the primary source of energy that you’ll need to heal. The only real difference that I see between blame and resentment when it comes to other people is that usually blame is something we use to keep from having to look at something that we’ve done. It’s usually a protective response to shield us somehow, from our own guilt. Resentment on the other hand most often comes from that need to control, whether it’s toward someone that’s somehow harmed us and hasn’t made it right, or even worse when they don’t even seem to notice that they’ve hurt us at all. I think there’s also a little bit of jealousy mixed in there that says, you know, “How dare you walk around like everything is fine while I’m over here hurting like this?”

But if you’ve never heard that saying that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die I hope you’ll take a second here and let that sink in… the only healing for that kind of pain comes from learning to let go.

And healing is number one on our list of benefits for practicing Surrender..

Benefits of Acceptance Practice:

I suppose I could just say the word healing here and move on because I think that sounds pretty great to most of us. But to go a little deeper I wanted to point out that while there are some situations where there very well may be something that is ours to change and where we can and should do to whatever we can to fix or resolve or heal it. What we’re talking about here is the exact opposite. The healing that comes from releasing and accepting all that stuff that’s outside of our control is entirely different, it’s all an inside job. It doesn’t depend on what’s happening with anyone else or any eventual outcome. It comes back to that shift in perception. It comes from the realization that you’ve been caught up in an unhealthy connection and that you’re the only one who can set yourself free.

The peace that comes from that kind of freedom is a benefit with an analogy that I’ve always loved. If we look at the whole thing as an impossible battle against something that we simply cannot control and consider the great wisdom of any army that has ever raised the white flag in the name of peace. At some point they must have known that cost of all that fighting was just too great and that surrender was the only way out. And since the war that we’ve been waging is mostly internal, and your only real opponent in this is you, you can make some really great terms for peace.  It’s the ultimate win win if you can just set down your weapons, in this case mostly all of those thoughts that you’re using to torture yourself, and move into a posture of acceptance.

Acceptance is a benefit but it’s also something that we need to practice. It’s very closely related to peace but it’s much more active to me. We can actually cultivate feelings of contentment when we learn to accept the things that we cannot change. Very much like the work we did to get grounded with the Truth Principle this is mostly about letting things be the way that they are right now and look for something to be grateful for…

Which brings us to one more benefit that we can actively practice and that’s gratitude. There is at least some amount of spontaneous appreciation for what we’ve got that comes naturally for most of us if we can really let go and be grateful for whatever is good about the way things are right now. So many of those good things go unnoticed when we’re in the middle of hard times. It’s good to know that they still exist and it’s good practice calling them by name and affirming them. When we recognize what’s working it gets easier to release all of those things that aren’t ours to change and to start claiming all of the good things that do belongs to us. We’re going to work on creating an acceptance practice and a starting ritual for Surrender that focuses on gratitude in our challenge episode this week.

We’ll start getting ready for that in just a moment. You can always just listen along but even better grab your notebook and we’ll work on an exercise that helps to get prepared for practice. Pausing for a quick break, we’ll back in 60 seconds or less with some starting trigger journaling that applies directly to working with the Principle of Surrender.

We’re back and working on identifying starting triggers and some preparation for creating a starting ritual that applies specifically to Surrender.

Starting Triggers Exercise:

And here is another simple prompt, almost exactly like what we’ve done here before so maybe you already know where I’m headed with this. We’re setting up automatic mental reminders for when you need to practice.

If you’ve got your journal ready you’ve got a choice here, you can always keep adding to that original ongoing list from the Truth Study Journal with general triggers that signify the need for a starting ritual, knowing that some subjects might apply to more than one principle, or you can just go to the top of a blank page and start fresh with: Surrender Starting Triggers. We’re looking for the triggers (showing up as behaviors, situations, thought patterns or emotions) that commonly come to your attention when you’re feeling something in the realm of over connection or overattachment. Anything really that you have been trying to control that is starting to feel like it might not be yours to change.  Whenever your mind starts saying something like, “Why can’t I figure this out or why can’t I fix this?.. Why did that have to happen?... ” OR maybe even better, “Why won’t they listen?” OR most definitely anything that says, “There’s nothing that I can do about this.” OR “This is never going to change,” but you still keep thinking about it. Any of that mind stuff that feels like your caught in a never-ending cycle with no way out is a good pointer. Whether or not anything comes to your mind immediately, take a slow deep breath, a big breath in and a long soft sigh to let it out… see if you can be still, and then let the breath move naturally, opening yourself up and seeing if anything  automatically floats to the surface of your attention.  If you’ve got something to write on take some notes, if you don’t you can do this your head and come back later even if it’s just a few words about whatever comes up. Remember this is never an affirmation, not an emotional statement, just a statement of fact. Common triggers for this one include, “when I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle or spinning my wheels, or nothing good with ever come from this,” especially if you feel that way most of the time. Or maybe it’s something like, “when it seems like this feeling will never end,” or something more broad like, “when it all feels like to much to carry” or more specific, “when I feel anxious about (whatever you feel anxious about)”, or something even more specific like, “when grief or loss feel like (whatever that feels like to you)”, or if it’s about losing control, “when I want to control or change (something that you can’t )” or “when I feel like I’m stuck in (wherever you feel like you’re stuck)” or anything that feels like, “when I think about (whatever you’re thinking that starts the process of any downward spiral or leads to any unwanted state of mind or behavior).” Since this last one especially applies to every principle in some way you might start noticing a real pattern here from the work you’ve done in previous episode and this is a good time to start using that as additional information for what might need to be released or accepted.

Even though we’re working on Surrender your still not really trying to erase any of these things, it’s good to know that you can’t erase them, but you can identify them from an objective point of view and see them as they are so that you can learn from them.  Once you have something to work with, even if it’s just one thing, big or small, leave the rest of the page blank, so it turns into an ongoing list. Then pick just one thing to start with, you can mark it with some “positive feeling” label as something that’s ready for your attention.

At the top of your next page you’ll write Surrender Starting Ritual … And on the first line you’ll write When I…. and then add whatever you wrote for that one item that you chose to work on with no period at the end of the sentence, and we’ll come back to finish that statement after we have established the starting ritual.

If this is something that comes up for you on a regular basis take a few moments to consider the last time it happened and how that felt… Can you think of anything that helps you recognize the subtle pointers to the beginning of this particular thought process or behavior before it actually happens? How does it start?

Once you feel like you’ve got  a clear statement of fact about what’s happening you should have something like, “When I think about or feel (whatever you’re thinking or feeling that points to beginning of any downward spiral)…”  Leaving this first sentence open ended, so we can come back to finish that statement after the starting ritual in the next episode.

 If you’ve been journaling on your own you might want go to that free space with a title like Surrender Notes or Surrender Study and take a few minutes to write something that helps you reflect and process whatever you’ve learned about the Surrender Principle so far. Here are a few ideas to help you go even further to explore areas where you might be experiencing some form of over connection either mentally or even better, taking the time to write it down, ask yourself: “Do I feel this emotion (whatever it is) in my physical body? Are there any physical sensations or symptoms that go along with it?” And if the answer is no move on and ask yourself a similar question about your mind. “Is this something that plays in my head? Are there active thoughts that go along with this emotion?” Again, taking only as much time as you need to feel prepared for the challenge episode where we’ll put everything together with guided instructions for creating a regular acceptance ritual, ideas for simple practice and a short mediation that ties it all together. From here on out we’ll always give you a day in between these two episodes to give you time to not only listen to this episode but to catch up on anything that you’ve missed and come back to work through this exercise at your own pace.

Time to go back to our Challenge Question for Surrender.

Challenge Question

We’ve been asking, “What does acceptance mean to you?” and talking a lot about what needs to be released and areas of life where you might be over attached to people, situations or results but the question can apply to attachments that we have with thoughts, behaviors, substances and even physical things. I know that might make the challenge question seem a little counter intuitive since these are things that we might not want to accept at first glance.  But consider the idea of acceptance more as it relates to allowing the process to unfold and growing faith as you identify unhealthy connections and letting go of all that stuff that doesn’t serve you. What are some ways that acceptance might apply to something that you’ve been working on?

This is always a hard question for me to answer. The concept of surrender as acceptance took a long time for me to process. But these days acceptance is an ongoing practice of assessing my part in the things that I find difficult. I can only accept the good things about today when let go of all that stuff that’s outside my circle of control. Since most of my challenges relate to other people my work is to give them the right to make their own decisions, even the ones that might look mistakes to me, and just keep on loving them the way they are… Acceptance means I don’t have to enable them or compromise my boundaries, I can just let them be and trust that they will eventually find their way.

If you’re looking for ways to play along and help us create a supportive community, we’ve got the Something Honest Facebook Group up and running to provide more interaction, more discussion and more fellowship. Don’t forget every single person who joins the group will automatically be entered in this season’s drawing for the Principle Intentions Card Deck and Guide. We’ve got six ways now for you to enter and that’s six chances to win. You can get more details in the group or on the Something Honest Podcast page.

So many thanks to all of you for listening. Make sure you’re set to get notifications, come back for the Surrender Challenge Episode and don’t forget to check out all THREE Surrender episodes for more on how to start accepting the gifts of letting go and increasing the peace in every area of your experience.

Check our links in the description to get to the podcast page for show notes and go to wellnessmeetings.com for more about the Wellness Meetings Method….. Something Honest is a Wellness Meetings production with original music composed and produced by James Mrotek at Mrotek Media.

This is Marta Mrotek sending out so much love and gratitude. Until next time, let’s get to work on being well.