Talking truth about "self-improvement" as it relates to health, overall wellness and expressing the truest version of you. This is Marta Mrotek with Something Honest…..

Growing up in a house with a terminally and mentally ill parent was very similar to living in a house with two teenagers struggling with addiction. It was the same flavor of fear… haunting, like living with ghosts, unpredictable and so tangled up with grief and the fear of death. It wasn’t easy watching my mother go, it was long and drawn out, and scary, and confusing, and unfair, but I did know there was nothing I could do about. Somehow, I thought I could save my kids if I held on tight enough…  but it turns out the whole thing was about letting go.

Hi Everybody, this is Marta with the Talking Points Episode for Surrender. If you just started listening to this podcast you might want to go back and work through previous episodes for a better understanding of what we’re talking about here... So far we’ve been working on getting grounded and growing a connection with positive energy, acknowledging what might need to change and identifying what might want to grow… but today is all about what needs to go. For me personally, Surrender has been, by far, the most challenging of all the principles. I think for a lot of us it’s the hardest to apply because the emotions that go along with it are intense and usually wrapped up in our closest relationships. I think most of that difficulty comes from wanting to hold on as tight as we can when we’re faced with losing anything that we love with that kind of intensity, especially the people… For me, most especially when it came to my children. The more they fought to get away the more I wanted to hang on. It took time for me to realize that I could let go without loving them any less.

Of course, this all gets very complicated when we add in any form of grief or the idea of physical loss. That’s what I was most afraid of, they were still alive, but I so afraid of what might happen that I was already grieving. There’s a C.S. Lewis quote that says, “No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” And that’s exactly how it’s always felt to me. I’ve lost an awful lot of people, including both of my parents, and all of my siblings, and the exact brand of fear was a little different for every one of them. But when my kids were struggling the feeling that came up was so familiar, so frightening, and out of control and all-consuming. I felt like I was waking up in a childhood nightmare over and over again... That fear didn’t fade until I started applying the Principles on a regular basis.  I had to accept the fact that most of what was happening wasn’t mine to change and that there were options and possible outcomes that I had been ignoring completely and even bright spots in my life that I had was consistently overlooking. We’re back to the need for a shift in perspective and realizing that sometimes the only thing that you can change is you.  

But how do you get the point where that’s enough? How can you learn to do that in the middle of a storm that’s still raging? How do you start making peace with something that’s causing so much destruction and pain? That’s huge! And very different but maybe even more challenging in some ways, how do you ever learn to let go of the all the little things?  We’re really good at turning those small things into emergencies instead of just letting them be. But, sometimes it’s hard to even know what needs to go and that’s what we’ll work on this week. We’ve got six talking points to cover for Surrender. And the first one is identifying unhealthy connections.

TALKING POINT 1: IDENTIFYING UNHEALTHY CONNECTIONS

Most of what we choose in this life has something to do with aversion or attraction. We talk a lot about that in relationship to yogic philosophy, the motivation to avoid something painful or the desire to repeat something that we in some way find pleasurable or rewarding. And while most of us will go a little further to avoid the pain, we do have a very strange tendency to repeat behavior and thought patterns that eventually lead to unhealthy attachments. Fortunately, everything that we’ve done together so far has been laying the foundation for what we’re about to do here. In the Truth episodes we talked about the importance of making a connection with the present moment and in the Hope episodes we talked about making a connection with positive Energy and the idea of connecting with something MORE…whatever that means to you. We worked on grounding for information seeking and using your emotions for guidance, and we can use all of that information about growing healthy connections to start identifying unhealthy connections and what needs to go. We talked about areas of your life where you might feel like you’re under assault or feel like a victim, and over the next few episodes we’ll talk even more about emotions that commonly point to where we need to work on Surrender.

It is so very important to mention that while there may be some aspects of life where we obviously need to disconnect completely there are so many other places where we might just be over connected, over involved, or overly attached. There may be relationships that should never be severed but where codependency or enabling are what’s unhealthy and needs to come to an end. Maybe its shame or guilt that needs to be released. Or grief or a traumatic event that’s calling for healing. And maybe if you’re not quite ready to work on something that intense, what if you could just relieve some of the pain that goes along with it. Or at least let go of that feeling that somehow you’re going to be able to change something that isn’t yours to change? For most of us that’s the real challenge.

And believe me I really do understand if you feel like any or all of that sounds impossible. If it sounds too simplistic or simply too unfair, I get it. I fought against this Principle as hard as I could at first. How could this apply to me? How could this apply to my children? How could this possibly apply to the chaos in my life? How could it apply to mourning for loved ones that we’ve lost… or the fear of losing even more? But this is where Truth steps in with its unflinching wisdom, and Hope with information that comes from somewhere down deep inside, reminding me that while those were all incredibly good reasons to feel what I was feeling, in the end they were just incredibly good excuses. They were the reasoning behind every unhealthy connection that I was making and the explanation for every destructive pattern that I was reinforcing. It took some investigation and a WHOLE LOT of practice to fully accept the fact that my worrying, my grief, my suffering was only making everything worse and that I was the only thing in that situation that I had any control over.

TALKING POINT 2: RELEASING THE NEED TO CONTROL

Understanding what is actually yours to change can be so helpful for identifying and accepting what is not. Most of those unhealthy connections that we’ve been making come from an overwhelming need to feel like we’re in control. In my experience that need is intensified in times of crisis and especially in those times when fear has taken over and every thought process in focused on how fix something that is not mine to fix. Besides being scary it’s incredibly frustrating and confusing and let’s face it, usually totally useless to try and force your will on something outside of your control. That’s not to say that your intentions go unnoticed by cosmic law, I believe the exact opposite is true, but if you’re consistently  adding more of those awful feelings to the mix there is no way that any good can come from it. Whenever we apply, what we’re calling, negative thoughts or pain filled energy to control the actions of others or something that goes against the will of nature we are fighting a losing battle.

In my case almost all of the work that I had to do was centered on grief, fear and codependency. My happiness was all wrapped up in the happiness, health and safety of my closest family members. And at first that might sound like a beautiful thing, to be so involved with the people you love. But when someone else’s life is out of control and there is literally nothing that you can do to change it, especially if it’s someone that you love deeply, that’s a sure-fire recipe for misery. Often it’s a situation that involves other people but it might be something else, it could be an unhealthy behavior that you just can’t seem to beat, any kind of addiction that you can think of, or even an outside challenge that just seems to have no answer. Look at your life today and notice the areas that cause intense emotions to surface. Those are probably pointers to something that needs to be healed, accepted or released. Your misplaced energy only aggravates an already painful situation, and those intense emotions are related, at least partially, on some level, to banging our own heads against a wall. The prize for letting that go is peace, it doesn’t mean everything is all better, it doesn’t mean the pain is all gone, but it is at least a reprieve, a place to get your bearings and take a deep breath while you make space for whatever comes next. Finding any amount of peace in the middle of a storm that’s been raging for a long time feels like a miracle. Especially when none of those outside circumstances have changed yet.

TALKING POINT 3: ACCEPTING THE PAST AND THE FUTURE

Once you start making peace with everything that has been outside of your control and realizing that it’s still outside of your control, it gets easier to start accepting what’s happened in the past and whatever might happen in the future. I know we keep coming back to talking points from previous episodes but maybe it’s already sinking in that while there is a pattern to the methods that we’re using, the way we’re using it is changing. Acknowledging thoughts that have been dwelling in the past or future is pretty different from being able to accept the actual events that led to those thoughts and letting go of the worry that comes from thinking about what might happen next. If we can agree that most of us spend a whole lot of mental energy in those uncontrollable time zones and that it is in fact misplaced energy, we start making real progress toward accepting what we can’t change in this moment.

Maybe we could use some of that energy to appreciate any amount of peace that might be found in what’s happening right now… I mean right in this very minute. Are we really clear yet that this moment is all there is? That it’s always now and that there probably is something to be grateful for? I know I keep asking that same question, but seriously, even if you have to search for it, even if it’s really small it still counts, can you think of something good? Does it help to know that you can usually find something if you really look? Even if it’s in the tiniest things? I have to assume that if you’re listening to this podcast you probably aren’t in the middle of a dire and currently unfolding emergency.  And if you are… holy shit the pressure to find the right words… If that’s the case for you I can only pray that this is helpful somehow! But for everybody else out there, if you’re in a safe environment right now and relatively comfortable I KNOW that you can find something that’s good in this moment if you look for it. There might be something good that can come from your current challenge, there’s almost certainly something to be learned or something new that can grow but you’re probably going to have to loosen your grip a little bit to recognize it. And if really you are in the middle of something truly painful… it’s good to know that change is always coming. That’s one of the most interesting things about this moment, even though it’s ever-present, even though it’s always now, now is always changing. That’s why it helps so much to practice non-attachment. Whether you love or hate what’s happening right now see if you can appreciate it without getting too attached to the outcome. The outcome isn’t really somewhere in the future, because when it gets here, it’ll still be now. So all you can ever really do anything about is this moment. What you do right now is always what matters most. Whether everything feels perfect or totally awful, circumstances will change, whether it feels like a blessing or a curse, you’re not stuck in this feeling forever. I know it’s easier said than done but worrying about how it’s all turn out only adds more of what you don’t want to any situation. Your circumstances and feelings CAN and WILL change, and so often if you find something to be grateful for, something that IS working right now, you’ll see that gratitude can be an immediate tool for relieving painful emotions and affirming more of what you do want.

We’ll work more on how to practice gratitude on a regular basis in the Surrender Challenge Episode.

We’re gonna take a quick break here, I’ll be back in two minutes or less with more on how to start changing your point of view when it comes to Surrender and our challenge question for this week in just a moment.

We’re back and talking about how to go deeper with the Principle of Surrender and a couple of ideas about how to look at letting go a little differently. We’ll start exploring the idea that you really can let go without giving up or giving in, and that’s talking point number four.

TALKING POINT 4: LETTING GO WITHOUT GIVING UP OR GIVING IN

The big questions that usually go through my head when I’m in the middle of a crisis might sound a little self-centered, but I think they’re pretty common when it comes to letting go of something that means a lot to you. Usually something like: “Who’s gonna take care of this if I don’t? How is this ever going to get better if I give up on it? How could I possibly let go of something that means this much to me? What if it all goes wrong once I give it up? What if whatever happens next makes me feel even worse? Shouldn’t I be able to think of some way to make this better?” Which is really pretty egocentric, and by the way a really ineffective line of questioning... But what in the world makes me think that I’m the one to fix this totally uncontrollable thing? Especially if I’m not even the one who made it happen, what if it came from someone else or natural causes? How am I supposed to do anything about that? But even if I am the one who did it, even if you’re the one who made every choice that brought you to this moment, when you’re in that downward spiral and you get to the point where everything feels hopeless and everything that you’ve done to try and control it has failed, surrender is the best option.

Which brings us all the way back around to the principle of Truth and learning to let things be the way they are, at least for long enough to see them clearly. Sometimes in yoga classes we call that practicing the art of allowing.  Very intentionally we’re letting everything be the way it is, releasing the need to control any of it and stepping back to let it be. For most of us, most of the time, that’s the only way that we’ll ever really be able to see the full Truth. Whatever it is, the only way to become the witness of your experience and see whatever is happening from a Higher Perspective, without having to label any of it as good or bad, is to step back and let it go.

Sometimes you have to surrender to even find out if something is yours to change. It’s really hard to see it when you’re all wrapped up in it.  Even though we might think we’re about to lose something, even when you feel like surrender would be giving up or giving in, you’re not really losing anything. You’re actually gaining a shift in perception and the ability to see things as they are without all that pressure to figure it all out or fix it all by yourself. If you step back and it feels like you’ve been fighting a losing battle against something that feels like it’s utterly outside of your circle of control you really are going to have to surrender to win. Which bring us to our next talking point.

TALKING POINT 5: SURRENDERING TO THE CHANGELESS

I think one of the hardest things about letting go, and the reason for so much of the fear involved, is that we might be losing control of something that we feel very connected to. Probably over connected and over involved, and the emotions there are usually strong. Most of us have been hanging on so tight that the idea of letting go can be really scary. But an even deeper meaning and the best way I know for overcoming that particular brand of fear comes from surrendering yourself to the Changeless. Turning your will and your life and every challenge over to the never-changing Source of all Energy and the never-ending moment of now. It gives you a place to lay your burdens, it takes that crushing weight off your shoulders and says, this isn’t yours! You can’t do anything about this right now! You don’t have to carry this. You can let this go, you can set it down and if it’s something really important, something that you really care about, it’ll still be there for you to work with, still there for you to learn from... And you might very consciously decide pick it up again at some point with a different kind of energy and healthier connections and more positive emotions at play. And maybe someday there will be something meaningful that you can do about this but for right now you’re spinning your wheels. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about that situation anymore. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love that person anymore. It doesn’t erase any of those important people, or things, or memories... it just gives you a little bit of room to take a breath, gives you time to heal and a moment to start believing that there really might be something more. There is something bigger than you are all by yourself, some part of you that knows the answers if you could just get quiet enough to hear and listen.

And if you’re still struggling with the idea of an Energetic Source I want you to know that if you already have clearly defined religious beliefs that don’t quite line up with this… Use what you already believe and this will work. If you’re not sure you believe in anything at all, consider the idea of a Higher Power. Maybe you go back to the talking points for Hope and making a connection with something that you don’t quite believe in or understand just yet. I need for you to know that this is not an indoctrination to any specific belief system, I’m not preaching. I’m just telling you that this works, and it works even if you can just start believing in something. I think it’s okay for your spiritual life to evolve over time and I think that’s common. I know for me my idea of God has changed greatly over the years but none of what I’ve learned about other religions, or spiritual practices or Energy in general takes anything away from what I was taught as a child. It’s the exact opposite. My concept of God continues to grow and that just makes that Changeless Source of Energy even more powerful for me as time goes on. That’s why 12 Step Programs talk about that process of coming to believe and a God of your own understanding. That’s also why we say that yoga isn’t necessarily religious but if you want it so be more than exercise it absolutely is spiritual. The best part about both of those things is the reminder that you don’t have to have that all figured out right now. Faith grows over time.

TALKING POINT 6: THE RECIPE FOR GROWING FAITH

You know some people say that the second principle should be Faith, but the way it was explained to me, and makes so much sense in my mind, is that Faith is something that has to grow. For most of us Hope is part of that process, it’s a place to start growing a connection that LEADS to faith. And if your belief is still fragile, Surrender is already asking you to prove any amount that you’ve got already for a reason, and that’s to start making your Faith stronger. I gave you the recipe for Faith at the very beginning of this episode. It’s the equation for laying a strong foundation and a making a place to start building something new. Start with Truth. Get grounded and find an anchor point in the present moment to take an honest, unbiased look at what might need to change about the way things are right now. Grow that connection with Hope and the positive energy that comes from a relationship with something bigger than you are by yourself, however you understand it, so that you know you’re not alone. Draw on all that energy and whatever you’re willing to believe right now and you’ll find the strength to let go of the unhealthy connections, and that makes space to build something new. Truth + Hope = Surrender.

And thos three things together bring you to stronger faith. I have to say, there is a gift that comes along with Surrender, maybe unexpected one, and it’s called contentment, in yoga we call it Santosha and sometimes we call it peace. Finding anything that felt in any way like contentment sounded like total crazy talk to me at that particular, especially shitty time in my own life. It seemed absolutely impossible to me. But it turns out that Surrender brings a kind of relief that can only be found in something that seems so impossibly simple. And it also turns out that simple and easy aren’t always the same thing. Letting go might feel like the hardest thing that you have ever done but I promise it is worth it.

So let’s take one more look at the talking points:

·      Use what you’ve learned about unhealthy connections to identify what needs to go.

·      Release the need to control to start identifying what is not yours to change.

·      Lay down the burden of overthinking the past and future and move into acceptance by being grateful for whatever you have right now.

·      Remind yourself that letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up or giving in

·      Surrendering to the present moment and the Changeless Source of Energy, whatever that means to you.

·      Apply this “recipe” for growing Faith on a regular basis, by putting the first three principles together to create a strong foundation for the work that lies ahead.

Right now it’s time for this week’s challenge question and how to play.

CHALLENGE QUESTION AND HOW TO PLAY:

“What does acceptance mean to you?” Reminding yourself that there’s no way to answer this wrong and considering any area in your life where you might have an unhealthy connection or something that might need to be accepted, released or set free?  And if there’s anything about Surrender that feels like giving up, think about how you could start seeing that as something that might not be in your circle of control right now? There are so many ways to look at this one and we’d love to hear from you about the work that you’re doing with this principle.

If you’d like to play along you can find us through our links to Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. You can use the same account for each platform and don’t forget to include the tags, #somethinghonest and #surrenderchallenge this time. If you need more detailed information on how to enter this season’s drawing check the links for somethinghonest.com.

Make sure you’re all set up to get notifications, next up, you’ll want to check out our Surrender Study Journal Episode for more about why and how to put this principle into practice. Don’t forget to check out all THREE Surrender episodes to start making room for something new.

Thanks so much for listening. Check the description to find show notes on somethinghonest.com and go to wellnessmeetings.com for more about the Wellness Meetings Method….. Something Honest is a Wellness Meetings production with original music composed and produced by James Mrotek at Mrotek Media.

This is Marta Mrotek sending out all the love and gratitude. Until next time, let’s get to work on being well.