Talking truth about "self-improvement" as it relates to health, overall wellness and expressing the truest version of you. This is Marta Mrotek with Something Honest…..

My particular brand of codependency is pretty subservient. It’s never really been outwardly asking for much. I mean, I could make myself do just about anything to try and fix somebody else but I always felt pretty selfish for trying to fix me. And at first that made healing seem like something I’d have to make myself do, and do really fast so everything could go back to normal and I could just suddenly be a better version of me. But Willingness isn’t about going back to how it was or making yourself do anything, it’s actually an invitation that says we’re entirely ready for something new.

Today we’ll start talking about Willingness and how it relates in so many ways to Surrender. If you’re just listening for the first time you might want to go back and work your way through in order to catch all the references. The last few weeks we’ve been working on exploring the past and making a connection with positive energy even stronger in this moment, to make sure we’re living in alignment with who we were really meant to be… but today is all about how we can start getting ready for whatever comes next and a simple attitude adjustment about change that invites more of what we want .

If you remember in the Surrender Talking Points we went over how the first three principles are working together to create a strong foundation and as a recipe, a formula, for growing faith. And something very similar is happening here. Everything that we’ve been doing with Courage and Integrity has been preparing us for another big shift in perspective. And like with Surrender there is an aspect of letting go with this, but now it’s even more than releasing something, now it really is about adjusting our attitudes, so that we’re not just accepting change when it comes, now we’re inviting it. Which brings us to our first talking point…

TALKING POINT 1: ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENTS

Last week we talked about how Integrity can help us check our motives and that really is almost a prerequisite for the kind of attitude adjustment that we’re going to be talking about here. And if we’re using me and my example from the intro to start looking at how that might apply to you, it’s good for you to know that when I first started working on myself and actively looking for healing, I was still in the Surrender stage. Still in the middle of those really raw emotions and if you’ve been listening Grief and Shame were for me, and are for many people, a big part in that. And we’re gonna keep coming back to how Willingness relates to Surrender but for right now it can be helpful to look at the emotions that came up there for you, whatever they were, and how now they might really be getting up to go for good.

For me it almost always came back to shame. And it’s important to note that those old emotions, whatever they are, come up for different people for different reasons. For a lot of people shame comes up from some form of abuse but that wasn’t the case for me. Mine came up more from just a really long string of unfortunate events and the way that I responded to them. And even if there are very different emotions coming up for you it’s that response part that I want to talk about here. My knee jerk response has always been to look away from that painful stuff and if we’re talking about the painful stuff inside our heads my response to that was always to push it down. And that’s actually something that my Dad recognized in me at a fairly young age. It’s called emotional suppression and there are a whole bunch of weird things that happen in your brain when you do that kind of thing on a regular basis. The weirdest thing for me is that sometimes I would literally not remember things that I really should be able to remember. And again, it’s not like I was suppressing some big abusive event or entire periods of time but for me it was just kind of random. And I think that’s maybe a little extra scary when you have a parent that is suffering from really early and active cognitive decline. I mean I was afraid of that, scared of losing my mind and worried about my memory, already when I was in my twenties so I’m not talking about something that has anything to do with getting older.

To the point, my Dad was pastor, but he was also a psychologist, so I was pretty young when he sent me to therapy for the first time. And, a lot like my story from last week with the retreat, I really didn’t want to go and mostly because I thought those kinds of doctors were for people that had issues way worse than mine. Of course, I went anyway because that’s what he wanted for me but my attitude toward that whole thing was to get out of there as fast as I could and try to prove to everybody that I was all better so I could just go back to what I was doing before and not think about. And I actually think that started a new pattern for me, and not a good one, that said I need to hide my emotions and push it all down even further. Trying to convince myself and everyone else that there was nothing wrong with me.

And the big attitude adjustment there for me, was realizing that it’s really hard to heal something you’re not willing to look at… and that healing isn’t usually something that happens all at once. You can’t be dragged into that. You can’t rush that. And I know I said Willingness isn’t about making yourself do anything but maybe at first, it’s about getting ready to get willing. And you might have to start by just going through the motions for a while. At least that’s how it happened for me.

TALKING POINT 2: GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

For me, and I really do think for most of us, getting ready for what comes next doesn’t usually happen all at once. I think there’s a lot of internal work to do, a whole bunch of stuff that nobody can really see on the outside and probably not much changing or showing up on the outside. AT FIRST. I keep talking about lining up with the right kind of energy and especially when it relates to checking our motives and adjusting our attitudes and all of that has something to do with healing.

I’ve gotta go back to my example, because, that’s all I’ve really got to give, but it took a little while for me to decide that I actually wanted to get help. And if that’s something that you’re in the middle of right now I want to tell you that I really do wish I had made that decision sooner because, for me, things just kept getting worse. The day after I graduated from high school, I was in the back seat of my dad’s car having a pretty intense anxiety attack. Because we were driving away from everything that I knew and loved and literally into the unknown. My mom had gotten to the point where we really couldn’t take care of her at home anymore and back then, facilities for patients with dementia just weren’t what they are today. You actually would see stories on the news about people who just walked out into the streets to wander and even few who died out there in the cold or the heat. And part of the reason why I’d been alone with my mom so much is because my dad wasn’t just a pastor at some local church. He traveled all over the world, for long periods of time and at this point that gave him an opportunity to take my mom overseas. He hired a whole bunch of people and turned the upper floor of the house there into a private care facility for just one patient so that maybe the two of us could kind of get on with our lives a little bit. And I mean I was 18 years old, I could have chosen to stay away, and I wanted to, and there’s a part of me that wanted to, and I did for a while. But in less than a year I was back to what I had been doing before, just in a different location. Back in his house, back to all of the stuff happening with my mom and right back to being miserable.

But this time, I really was alone, even though I was in a house with a whole bunch of people, I was in a foreign country, far way from any source of relief and in the middle of something called situational depression which is different than clinical depression, but at least while you’re in that situation the feelings are pretty much the same. And even though it was a really good thing that I didn’t have to take care of my mom anymore that did leave a lot of time for just listening to what was happening upstairs and a whole lot of time for sinking into what we’ve been calling the downward spiral. I was barely 19, when I asked my dad to find me someone to talk to, and even though I can’t say that I was entirely ready, I was at least willing to start going through the motions this time. Sometimes you don’t immediately get that really big shift, sometimes you really do have to make yourself do something and very purposefully adjust your attitude and surrender to the process.

And to be honest, a lot of what I found in those sessions was almost even more distressing at first. Sometimes I really did feel like I was losing my mind. There were questions that should have been easy to answer and memories that I just couldn’t find. But the main thing that I learned there was that there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with my brain. I had just done a really good job of hiding things from myself. So good in fact that there are still things from that time period that I simply don’t remember. So, for a while there I had to keep just going through the motions doing my best to change some of those old patterns and the attitude adjustment there was accepting the fact that it would take some time.

TALKING POINT 3: GETTING READY

Remember in the very first episode we talked about what we allow and how we have to give our permission if we want meaningful change? One of the things I learned in therapy was that if I really wanted something different, I’d have to give myself permission to leave that situation and go make something new for myself without any guilt. And, as hard as it was to leave my parents, I was ready for that. So I came back to the States to try and make a life that felt normal and healthy. And I was lucky that I found someone who wanted the same thing. And I fell into a sweet time in life that I’m sorry to say I didn’t fully appreciate. Because, you know, I was still me, I still worried too much and fixed things too much, but I had a really nice long string of years where nothing terrible happened. And after a while I really just thought that’s the way it was gonna be. And I know I’m not the only one who felt that way. I’ve sat there and listened to both of my kids tell their stories and they agree, we were happy, and their childhoods were sweet. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say again here that you don’t have to have a troubled past to fall into trouble and when that happened to them, their trouble, I fell right back into mine.

People usually don’t love talking their character defects, and most of us would rather not look too deeply at our flaws. But fortunately for me I did have some experience with at least going through the motions for fixing myself and I’m so grateful that my attitude about healing had changed so dramatically over the years. I absolutely knew that I needed help and this time I was more than willing. I was entirely ready. And the work that I did with my sponsor is the most important work that I’ve done in my whole life. She wasn’t a doctor, she’s just a regular person. But she had been in those same trenches and she didn’t care that I couldn’t remember all the details from the past, or even what was going on with the other people in my life. She taught me that I could let go of those things without making them any less important, without trying to fix them, and that it really was time to give myself the permission to put my focus on just fixing me.

And the reason why I always use this part of my story for the example is because if you’ve been listening from the start you might have been thinking that I just walked into that lobby and looked at that sign and, “Oh isn’t she lucky, it isn’t always that easy.” And you’d be right, I was lucky, but it wasn’t that easy. I’d been getting ready for that moment for a very long time. And really, no matter what’s happening in your life right now, I say don’t wait. This is the moment, and even though it might not happen all at once, this is the time. If you really do want to start making something new, if you really do want something different this is the time to start getting ready for it.  

We’re going to take a quick break here. I’ll be back in two minutes or less with more on the Principle of Willingness and our challenge question for this week in just a moment.

We’re back and talking about how to get ready for change and how Willingness really is the key to finding the right kind of energy for whatever we’d like to create.

TALKING POINT 4: INVITATIONAL ENERGY

That whole idea of finding the right kind of energy is something that I talk about a lot and adjusting your attitude does have a lot to do with that. And I have a really current personal example for this that I think is important and totally relevant and I’m pretty sure it’s okay to share it like this. And it comes from one of those old painful stories from a long time ago, that I thought I had already addressed as best I could, but I hadn’t really made peace with it. I will say that, not all the time, but most of the time, doing something is better than doing nothing. So even though I had felt a little better about it, it just kind of stayed there in the back of my mind. And I can almost feel some of you out there nodding because I think that’s something that just happens, we’ve already talked about this. There are just some things that keep coming up in our heads. And this one was still there in that original inventory that I took with my sponsor years later and at that time it really didn’t feel like I could do much more than I’d already done. It seemed like trying to anything more than I already had would probably cause more harm than good… so I just had to let it go. And I did, it still came into my mind sometimes, and some of those feelings were still a little sad, but I honestly thought that I had really laid that whole thing to rest and I was okay with it. Until a couple of weeks ago. Doing this work, here with you, working on Courage and deeper self-study brought it back up to the surface of my attention. And I mean over and over again that person, that situation, would be there in my head asking for my attention. And I started to wonder why now?… It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever done this work or taught this.  But anyway, we all started working together on Integrity and checking my motives made me certain that they really were pure, but I still wasn’t sure how any good could come from digging that up again. And I started getting ready for this week and the idea of Willingness and I realized that there were different feelings there this time. And I don’t mean those feelings like shame or being sorry or sad because I’d be a liar if it said that there weren’t any of those feelings there. But even more important, and the real point that I’m trying to make is about the new ones, the part that felt different. What had always seemed like something so complicated and hard to fix suddenly felt simple.

In my head it had always been this really big impossible thing but there were no grand gestures, just simple words. And I’ll just throw in here again that we know simple doesn’t always mean easy. But now, this time, was different. I wasn’t doing it because I had to, or because I thought I should, I was doing it because I wanted to… And instead of going through the motions, this time, I was sending out an invitation. Does that make sense? I don’t know why it took so long to find the right kind of energy, and truly when you start making this a regular practice that’s often how it happens. Sometimes there’s information that comes up and an automatic shift that comes without having to even call for it. And again, still, that doesn’t mean it won’t be uncomfortable and there might still be some fear.  And fortunately, for me those specific emotions were almost immediately lifted and replaced with some really good ones because the interaction was really positive. And I will tell you that’s not always the case, we’ll talk about that another time when we go deeper about making amends, but for me this time, even with that really positive response, honestly, there was still some pain there. For a lot of different reasons. I keep saying it, doing this work doesn’t mean that you won’t ever feel those feelings again and sometimes it might even stir them up….  But it is different this time, now we’ve got a place to put them and a new way to see them and we’re learning from them. And knowing that you did the right thing, and that you did it for all the right reasons with the right kind of energy tells not just that other person but the whole universe that you’re ready for something new. And at least in this case not just something new for me, it turns out that person, unknown to me, needed an opportunity for a different ending to that story. And isn’t sad that we so often withhold that? Is there anything like that for you? Something that you dragged yourself to do to try and make something right, or maybe did nothing at all, and it’s just hanging out there? Something that might turn out differently with a different kind of energy? And maybe even a chance to make something new?

Something new might mean renewed friendships, and that’s a wonderful thing but even if that’s not what happens, even if it just means a new ending to that chapter in life, or a new way to look back and make peace with the past or just a new way to make peace with yourself. And even if it’s just something really simple that invitational energy doesn’t go unnoticed, and sometimes, often really, it’s returned. And that means a lot. It makes a difference and not always but usually for everyone involved. And if you do have something like that in the back of your head it’s worth exploring. Life’s too short to leave that kind of stuff hanging forever. And if you’re afraid of what kind of response you might get, even if you don’t know exactly what you want or what you’re asking for just yet, if you’ve got that connection with that right feeling energy, you won’t just be letting go, you’ll be inviting something new.

TALKING POINT 5: TAKING AIM

So, the question here really is what are you asking for? It might be in some way related to making amends and we’ll work on that more in few weeks but for right now, for most of us, most of the time, that doesn’t happen spontaneously, at least not usually at first, and right now we’re still focused mostly on the internal work. It’s good to know that you’re moving in the right direction but part of that is actually about taking aim. And my advice here is usually to aim high! We’ll talk more about how we so often sell ourselves short but we’re already working on turning that around right now and if you really want to start moving in the right direction you’ll have to think about what you want to make! At the very beginning of the intro I said that my brand of codependency was never outwardly asking for much. And that’s true! But on the inside, it was screaming for attention that I wasn’t willing to give. I almost never thought about what I wanted. Asking seemed like a bad idea, like no matter what I asked for I’d probably be asking for too much. If you’ve got any of that kind of stuff going on in your life or your head, I really want you to think about how all of this might apply to you. If you’re not seeing what you want showing up in your life it’s time to get honest with yourself about what you’ve been asking for… and that’s not just with your words, with your energy, with your thoughts what have you been calling out for? Do you ever look at other people who have what you want and think that they’re just lucky or it was so easy to get? I know I have! I wish I could remember where I heard this, I’ve looked around for it and I don’t know if this is an actual quote or just something smart that somebody said, so I’m probably going to slaughter it but it’s something like, “Never be jealous of someone who did something that you weren’t willing to do.” And I think a lot of that has to do with understanding what we want, asking for what we want and turning our thoughts and eventually our actions in that direction. Very purposefully, very intentionally. And if it still feels too hard or too far out of reach, just keep surrendering to the process, start going through the motions, adjusting your attitude, even if it’s just little by little, keep asking for what you want and do it on a regular basis and know that even though it’s not always easy, this is the time to start working on you.

TALKING POINT 6: THE RECIPE FOR TRANSFORMATION

Everything that we’ve been doing for the last couple of weeks has been leading to this. The work that we did with Courage was a lot like the work we did with Truth and getting grounded enough to see what already is…. Integrity brought us into an even deeper connection with the Source of all hope and a sense of alignment so that we can respond effectively to what’s happening now and just like with Surrender the work we’re doing here with Willingness give us what we need for moving forward. All of it is about moving all that old energy in every place that feels stuck so that we can send out that invitation for something new. These three principles are always working together to remove all the doubts and the fears and all of our own characteristics that have been standing in our way so that we can get ready for the change that lies ahead.

And have you heard me say that change is coming? Have you heard me say that change is ALWAYS coming? Willingness is asking you to get ready for it, with the right kind of attitude and yes the right kind of energy for whatever happens next.

Let’s take one more look at the talking points:

·      Know that really adjusting your attitude might take some time.

·      But even if it feels like just going through the motions at first, you’re already surrendering to the process.

·      Know that everything you’re doing now is just part of getting ready.

·      And that when you’re ready that new right feeling energy turns into an invitation for something new.

·      So start taking aim and asking for what you want.

·      Putting these three principles together really is the formula for a new attitude.

Let’s get to this week’s challenge question and how to play.

CHALLENGE QUESTION

So, “Are you ready for an attitude adjustment?” That’s the question. Reminding yourself that getting ready for that might be something that happens in phases and that healing might take some time?  And really looking at yourself and some of those characteristics that might be standing in your way? There’s no rush to answer, just start thinking about.

Come find us out there on social media if you’re ready to start playing along. Hashtags for this week are Something Honest and Willingness Challenge. Make sure you’re all set up to get notifications, next up, you’ll want to check out the Willingness Study Journal Episode for even more about why and how to put this principle into practice. Don’t forget to check out all THREE Willingness episodes to start getting ready for something new.

Thanks so much for listening. Check the links in the description to find what you need or go wellnessmeetings.com for show notes, details about this season’s drawing or to find out more about the Wellness Meetings Method….. Something Honest is a Wellness Meetings production with original music composed and produced by James Mrotek at Mrotek Media.

This is Marta Mrotek sending out all the love and so much gratitude. Until next time, let’s get to work on being well.